That day I was called to the office, much to everyone’s confusion. “Ruby never does anything wrong!” someone said. When I got to the office, I was told we were going to my grandma’s house. I was instantly excited because I hadn’t seen my grandma or my sister who lived with her in so long.

Tiffany was born 10 years before me and embraced life, although mom had struggled for so long when Tiffany was little. She was active academically and in sports and was always surrounded with friends. When we moved from San Antonio, she stayed with my grandma there.

In the living room, my dad stood in the doorway to the kitchen as we stood near him.

“There’s been an accident. Tiffany is in the hospital.” He choked now. “Your grandma didn’t make it.” In my 9 year old brain, it took me a moment to register what he was saying.

I rushed to hug my dad. “NO, she was my FAVORITE!” I felt my heart tear from my chest.

I remember the drive to San Antonio as a vague blur of cars and scenery. I remember long drawn out days playing in Tiffany’s bedroom or listening to grandma’s records. I am told I slept a lot. I was too young to visit Tiffany in the hospital. When I heard mom and my sisters crying in Tiffany’s room, I only assumed they were sad that grandma was dead.

When I finally joined them in the room, I plopped on the floor by the closet as they cried and cried. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Tiffany DIED!” my mom cried out almost in a tone that made me feel stupid for asking.

I was in shock. All Summer as we lived there taking care of my great-grandma, I was in shock. I pretended grandma and Tiffany were still with me. I spoke to them constantly, drew pictures for them and visited them in dreams.

And for years, I grew more and more withdrawn. Everything I drew or wrote was dark. I was obsessed with death and learning to communicate with the dead. I read about religion, which I had not ever had in my life. I was always in search of a door to that world that took my grandma and my sister.

When Tiffany died, she truly took a piece of me with her.

Today I have healed a bit. It took a long time, but I am slowly coming back out of my shell and learning to love life again. Tiffany wouldn’t want me to miss out on my life.

I have been sticking to the plan on exercise.com and am thrilled to say I have lost 10 pounds since New Year’s Day! I work out 20 to 40 minutes a day 5 or 6 days a week and am eating low carb. With my daughter’s birthday less than a month away, I am more motivated than ever to just keep going.

I’m not stopping there. Late February I’m attending a wedding and need to fit into a pretty dress. Also, my daughter is becoming a toddler and I need to keep up!

Here’s to always being motivated to being healthier!

What gives? I’m starving!

I kept seeing the P.I.N.K. Method advertised on talk shows and finally went online to see what it was all about. I was happy to find Exercise.com (the site connected with the P.I.N.K. Method) was free and very easy to navigate. I punched in my measurements and weight and what sort of diet I was interested in and it created an exercise and meal plan just for me.

Since joining, I have worked out 20 minutes everyday, and on my “off” days went for a brisk walk. The exercise videos are so simple to follow and they break it all down for you. Right away I was feeling better and more energetic.

Start Weight: 215 lb

Start Waist measurement: 38 inches

Current Weight: 212 lb

Current Waist: 36 inches

YES!

It’s not just procrastination. I start losing focus when I think of other things I’d like to do. I find myself overwhelmed and then do nothing as I feel like I just could never do enough. This leads to feelings of lack of accomplishment and I eventually fall back into depression.

How can I gain focus? My idea is that I will find one thing I want to do. I will work on that one thing. If I get a new idea, I will write it down and keep notes but insist that it waits until the first project is done. It’s going to take so much effort but I think I can do well if I manage to make this a habit.

Here’s to a new year and hopefully more focus!

Any thoughts or suggestions? How do you keep focused on goals? What works for you?

Our tree stands proudly, hugged cheerfully by red and white wrapped gifts, in the breakfast nook between the living room and the french doors leading to the back yard. The house smells of cinnamon and pine and Christmas carols softly sing from the stereo. In a few days our home will be filled with family and Christmas will officially begin.

It will be our daughter’s first Christmas. I am so excited. Every day she plays and babbles ecstatically in her jumper beside the tree. We dance with her and sing, “It’s almost Chriiiistmas!” She doesn’t understand what Christmas is, yet, but we are having so much fun!

I had never attempted bread pudding before and created this recipe after reviewing other recipes. This is a more custardy pudding than what I kept finding on recipe sites, and that’s how I like it. I made this for Thanksgiving 2011 and was told it would be great for Christmas. Enjoy!

Pudding Ingredients

1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1 lb stale white bread cubed
6 large eggs, beaten
1 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup hot milk
1 cup heavy whipping cream
1 14oz can sweetened condensed milk
1 cup raisins
1/4 cup melted butter

Pudding Method

-Mix sugar, brown sugar, eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract, milk, cream, condensed milk and butter in a large mixing bowl.
-Pour over bread in greased 9×11 pan until bread is covered. Sprinkle raisins. Mix ito bread and push bread down into wet mix with back of spoon to saturate.
-Let soak for 15 minutes or so.
-Bake at 325F for 1 hour or until golden brown.
-Meanwhile, prepare sauce.

Brandy Sauce Ingredients

2 tbsp melted butter
1 large egg, beaten
2/3 cup sugar
1 cup heavy whipping cream
1/3 cup brandy

Brandy Method

Beat eggs until stiff. Mix sugar, butter, egg and whipping cream in a sauce pan over medium heat. Stir until sugar is melted. Add brandy and stir well. Pour over pudding. Serve hot or cold.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I woke early, excited to cook my dishes. I’ve been up an hour drinking coffee and getting my head straight. I’m a slow starter.

I plan to make my usual cranberry sauce and bread pudding with brandy sauce, which I’ve never attempted before. (Recipe to follow, if it turns out yummy as I hope.) I’m so excited to cook and bake, which really is funny. I used to swear to everyone, “I don’t like to cook. I only date guys who cook. If it can’t be cooked in a microwave I’m not fussing with it.” Now, I hardly touch the microwave.

I’m excited about Thanksgiving this year. My daughter is 9 months old and will be able to enjoy some of our dinner. I’ll just puree a few things and let her experience the new exciting flavors.

And for anyone still wondering, I am definitely NOT sticking to my diet for the holiday.