Disconnecting

Charlie and I by firelight

With all the tragedies in the past week, it was really good to get away. The news had been bombarding us with images of the Boston Marathon Bombing and the fertilizer plant in West, TX exploding. I spent all of Friday morning packing up the camper in anticipation of our trip to the Brazos River. When Joe got home from work, there was no hesitation as we all climbed into the truck and hit the road.

We arrived at Plowman Creek Park in time for dinner. The rest of the group was already there enjoying our beautiful campsite at the water’s edge.

The next day was beautiful except for the 30 mph winds. We had horse shoes and softball going. The kids rode their bike and trike up and down the hills like they were dirt riding BMX. I had the baby cuddled up in my arms.

And when the sun set and we lay the kids down to sleep, we drank beer into the night around the fire.

I didn’t even think once about the bad in the world.

Now as I’m sitting in my recliner at home, I already look forward to our next camping trip.

 

Scared to Death of Life

Don’t expect someone else to do what you would like done but never had the motivation to do yourself. Remember, you are capable of so much. Are you making excuses? Are you being lazy? What in the world are you really afraid of?

I have had anxiety all my life. I dreamed big but had no intention of doing anything. I was afraid to try. I was afraid to fail, to be laughed at, to go out there and do something I’d never done before. What if it hurt? What if I didn’t know what to do once I accomplished the first step?

My older sister sat with me when I was 21 and told me to stop making excuses to not do the things I always dreamed of doing. It was maybe a month or a few months after that I packed my bags and headed to California. It was spontaneous. It was terribly frightening. I faced many fears just taking that step. I was afraid of being alone in a crowd of unfamiliar faces, afraid of trying new things, afraid of traveling. 

I had no idea what I was doing when I got there. I had no job. I had nothing but a new found optimism. I just told myself over and over, “I got this far. I can do anything.”

And I survived. 

Again, several years later, I decided to become a truck driver. I had always wanted to visit different parts of the United States. However, I was terrified. I did well in the truckdriving classes, but when I was out on the roads I was so nervous. I gripped the wheel so tightly and had tunnel vision.

It carried over to training. I was afraid to be in a big truck. I was afraid of getting in an accident. I was afraid of driving in the dark. In the mountains. In the city. I almost gave up. I was in tears looking for an excuse to just quit. Then I looked in the mirror and told myself, “Really? You got your CDL, which not just anyone does. You’re in this big truck, which you never thought you’d ever do. Here you are, seeing the mountains jutting out of the earth against golden sunsets. Get in that truck and drive!” So, I did it. And I did FINE. 

Doing something new can hurt badly. Changing the way you think and live… hurts. It’s uncomfortable and strange. It makes you feel so vulnerable.

But that’s the only way to make a positive change. It’s so worth it!

Imagine where I would be today if I had never gotten on that bus to California or climbed into the seat of that tractor. I’d have had a depressing mundane life always wondering “what if”. And that isn’t life. That’s just existing.

 

A Grain of Salt

I’m not saying atheists are all angry, sad people but I have been reading posts by some of the more outspoken bitter ones that have an agenda to point out how awful Christianity is and how God can’t be real “because why would a God exist who would allow bad things to happen?”. This is simply my reaction to that.

Life is not utopia. Are you angry at God because life isn’t living up to YOUR ideals? Without decay there can not be the growth of life. Unfortunately, this means things like mold, disease and cancer are possible. 

And what makes you think you should be free of pain if there really was a God? Would you rather he created you without feeling? Numb? You cannot feel joy without other emotions to compare it to. Yes, life is painful. The pain of hunger to let you know you need to be fed. The pain of cold to let you know your body can’t handle it and needs to be wrapped in warmth. And yes, disease exists. That’s just the way it is. Along with that are beautiful things all around you. An array of color, texture, sound, experiences to be had.

Maybe you could have done better than God. Maybe you would have opted out of disease and the rotting away of everything and allowed for only sunshine and giggly bubbles.

But that’s not how it is. So, are you choosing to be atheist because you don’t want to like something that would allow life to be the way it is? Sorry, but being atheist isn’t going to make it all go away. If my believing in a God makes my life better for me, please, just let it be.

Already 3 Months!

Charlie has been here for three months and he sure lights up a room!

Happy Easter

My Son’s Incredible Birth Story

Well, my midwife was right when she predicted I’d have my baby between 35 and 36 weeks. Days after going into false labor on Christmas, I woke in the middle of the night feeling strong contractions about 5 minutes apart. They got closer and closer very quickly. We loaded our two-year-old daughter into the car and sped to the hospital. Went through ER at the advice of my midwife, and checked in quickly. I was 36 weeks on the dot and had just seen my midwife the day before. At that checkup I was told he was head down and ready but could possibly still make it to term. 

Got to the room. Contractions were close. My husband left our daughter and I alone in the room so he could go move the car from the 20 minute parking at the drop off area. Doctor came in with the midwife who said I was fully dilated. I felt like my water would break any second. A nurse took my daughter into the hall. And as they examined my belly determined my son had flipped and was now sideways with his umbilical cord ready to drop first. 

This was probably going to kill my son as soon as my water broke and a contraction would pinch the cord.

The doc told me I had to get a c-section right away.

Joe came in just then and was told he couldn’t be present because I’d have to be put under as there was no time to prep.

I relaxed as best as I could so I wouldn’t break my water. 6 nurses or so hovered around me taping things to me and gassing me. I took a few breaths…

I woke with Joe at my side telling me how beautiful the baby is and how much hair he has. I couldn’t see him. He was in the nursery. It was hours before I saw him.

During that time his blood sugar had crashed dangerously low and they had to give him formula. His body temperature kept diving as well.

Things were frightening.

But my son pulled through. Yesterday we came home. He’s been nursing regularly already and is very healthy. I’m also recovering very well.

And instead of a resolution I am just thanking God for my blessings.

2 Weeks ‘Til the Wedding

In about two weeks I will be at the courthouse in my pretty ivory and champagne dress, standing nervously beside my Joe before a roomful of close friends and family. 

Anxiety is building, but for the most part I feel pretty calm. We aren’t spending outlandish money on decorations and venues. Instead we’re going to the justice of the peace and partying after at our favorite bar. It’s not very complicated but, apart from birthing my daughter it will be the most beautiful day of my life.

I have had my little girly get-together and we decided on my hair-do and makeup, worked on bustling the dress and went out for dinner and cheesecake. I never think I’ll enjoy the girl stuff, but I did and it was much needed!

Although we have lived together as a married couple, I am so excited to share the name of my man and my daughter and officially join families.